Come Back

I am in mourning. My delightful, creative and friendly daughter has been taken over by a surly teenage alien. I look at this alien being and try to glimpse the little girl who loved to laugh and share her thoughts. As I try to communicate with it I feel like we don't even speak the same language. It seems distracted by electronic devices. It acts as if it has no time to talk. It stays in it's room for long periods of time. All I want is my goofy daughter back. Other parents who have also hosted teenage aliens tell me that it takes a couple of years before they recognize their charming children again. All I know is that I miss her.

The Birthday Dilemma

Celebrating Tanner's birthday always puts me in a predicament. I agree that "the more the merrier" makes for a fun party. I love to get the whole family together for birthday celebrations and holidays. I love the noise and the chaos and the laughter. Except, Tanner goes bonkers when he has to share his house with others. The solution has always been, and continues to be, a pre-emptive sedation cocktail administered to Tanner in preparation for the ensuing "intrusion". I give him a soothing mixture of mild tranquilizers so that he doesn't have a nuclear melt down during the festivities. A dilemma arises however when the boy is too sleepy to participate in his own birthday party. Of course we all agree that Tanner is easier to handle when he is asleep but it would be nice if he could acknowledge the birthday cake and gifts which are are arranged around him ready to be opened and enjoyed. Luckily we all have a good laugh at the fact that he sleeps through his special day every year.

This year, in addition to the family hullabaloo, we tried a very quiet and private "Tanner Only" birthday event where he could sit on his exclusive couch and watch his own show just the way he wanted it. So, while fully awake and barely able to pull his eyes from the TV screen, he opened a gift and stuck his finger in his own private birthday donut. After all, Tanner doesn't even know the significance of celebrating one more year. But that doesn't mean that I can't celebrate it for him by having a party
on his behalf.

Bloody Sunday

     Well, he did it this time! Tanner managed to get himself taken to the hospital. What started out to be a typical conniption fit turned into something a little more grisly. As is customary, Tanner was dragged into his room as punishment after he pitched his sister's i-pod for no good reason. Then he started head banging, which is also typical. I went about my women's work and waited out the storm. After the book throwing and head thumping stopped I checked in on him. What I saw was a kid sitting on the carpet passively turning pages of a picture book. But I did a double take because the kid was all bloody. He looked up at me, pointed to his head and then to the blood splattered on the wall. For the most part scalp wounds look worse than they really are because of the vasculature of the tissue, ie. the head bleeds like the dickens, so I didn't panic. What I saw however, was a pretty sizable laceration which I couldn't fix by ignoring it. So I got him into the tub and cleaned him up. By this time Tanner was feeling playful and just wanted to splash around as if nothing had happened to his head. I cut bath time short by telling him we were going to go for a ride in the car. Yipppee!
     Once at the emergency room Tanner was in his own private heaven because he got to watch TV while laying down on a bed (which is totally cool!). For almost three hours we flipped through channels, turned on the oxygen, turned off the lights, pushed every button in the room. It was super fun! Different people came in and out but didn't do anything to him so he thought he was King for a day. Finally at the three hour mark a bunch of people came in, wrapped him up like a burrito, held him down and put six staples in his head. It took less than five minutes. I was seriously considering swiping a staple gun so that I could do it myself the next time.
     Tanner laughed all the way home. And I again seriously fantacized about obtaining a staple gun and some iodine and some staple removers and some numbing medicine and......

just a flesh wound!

cool hospital bed




two lacerations and six staples

Flu Season

Most people agree that throwing up is nasty. But most people aren't terrified when faced with the probability. Hailey would rather be dangled off a cliff than throw up. First of all she denies what is about to happen by walking around in circles and hyperventilating. Next she tries to convince her body that it doesn't need to throw up by talking to herself, "it's okay, it's okay, it's okay." Next I hand her the traditional "throw-up" bowl, which also happens to be the spaghetti bowl, and make her carry it around with her. The bowl makes her feel worse. Then when I think she is over her bout of nausea, she bolts for the bathroom only to miss the target.
After all these years this moment is so predictable. I hear myself whispering "get closer to the toilet, get your head down there" because I know she will wait until it's too late. Eeeewww!

 

400 Buckets

When summer is over and autumn begins, the first change I notice is that the slant of the sun is all wrong. The sun is high but it's light is different. There is a coldness and a dimness. My yard takes on the look of slow decline as growth stops and death begins. Even before the signs of winter are apparent I am outside hacking down everything that I have enjoyed, the ground cover, the grasses and the ivy. Next comes the pruning of tree limbs and bushes. Ultimately I pull up the COLOR. What is left of my fertile yard is as baren as an environmentalist's idea of zero scaping. It is Ugly.

The process of maintaining a Garden of Eden during the summer is a hobby of mine which requires a great amount of time, muscle and sweat. The destruction of this Garden is even more daunting. All of which gives me joy and peace. I start my outside hobby in May and finish in October, I spend at least two hours a day in the dirt; planting, pulling, digging. During the growing season I over-fill twenty six "green" curbside garbage cans and in the dying season I fill an additional four heaping truck beds.

Now that my summer hobby is over I fall into hibernation mode which includes hot baths, sitting by a warm fire and cowering under a comforter with a book. I won't be absolutely content until the sun glows warm  again.

14 hand filled blue buckets equal one green garbage can...24 weeks times 14 buckets equals 336 hand carried buckets per growing season PLUS 56 extra for fall clean-up.... MAKES A TOTAL OF 400 hand carried buckets of yard waste. This is why I don't go to the gym in the summer. I don't have to.

 
I load up the truck when the green container is full. One truck load equals four green containers

-----UGLY-------

PRETTY 

The Twelve Years of Halloween

When the kids were still young I lovingly made their costumes myself. It was a fun project and made Halloween special for me. Really it was the only time of year I hauled out the Bernina and pretended that I knew how to use it. Now that Hailey is 14 she won't let me dress her up anymore, in fact, she won't wear anything that I think is cute. Tanner doesn't even know what Halloween is so I don't bother with him.
This year I abandoned the holiday entirely and escaped to the movie theaters as Dave served the 367 children who came to our door. So while I was at the IMAX, comfortably seated and well entertained poor Dave stood at our doorstep for 3 hours straight as the hoards of Iron Mans, Katniss', princesses and ninjas held out their sacks. I think I have found a new tradition...hope Dave doesn't mind.

-----------------HALLOWEENS OF THE PAST

--------------------1999 (skeleton and surgeon)

----------------------2000 (cave men)

-----------------------2001 (patriotic)

-----------------------2002 (ghosts)

------------------------2003 (Hawaiians)

-----------------------2004 (Dr Suess)

-----------------------2005 (mummies)

---------------------2006 (Frankenstein Monster and witch)

----------------------2007 (skeletons)

----------------------2008 (Chinese)

----------------------2009 (Cleopatra and Caesar)

------------------------2010 (Hobo)

Washington DC Opens The Mall For Dave E

Kaysville resident Dave E. made it very clear to Barack O. that the government shut down was in direct conflict with his upcoming vacation with daughter, Hailey. Appropriately, Dave E., a man not apt to put up with limitations, exerted his extraordinary mind powers towards Washington DC and demanded that the barriers come down. And this is how The Mall opened just hours before Dave and Hailey's arrival.
 The two most important people in America were able to enjoy a few days in our nation's capital without disappointment. Hailey savored the National History Museum most, while Dave's interests tended toward the art of some guy named Van-go. They both walked and biked to all the pertinent sites and only had to push down a few barriers/fences out of sheer rebellion.
 

Inadvertant Punishment

When I go school shopping for Tanner I mainly guess on the sizes because he doesn't come with me to the stores. Taking Tanner shopping with me would be like releasing a Tazmanian Devil into polite society. There would be trouble and ain't nobody got time for that! Instead I bring clothes and shoes home and we try them on in a controlled environment where he can be himself (*see characteristics of Tasmanian Devil). The other day I tried some new boots on Tanner, tied them nice and tight and then forgot about it. The next morning when I got him up for school, I pulled off his blanket and there were his feet, firmly encased in his knew clunky boots. My poor little cub slept with his shoes on and probably didn't even know it.

*interesting factoid from Wikipedia*
A TAZMANIAN DEVIL is characterized by its stocky build, pungent odor, extremely loud and disturbing speech, keen sense of smell and ferocity when feeding.It has an exceedingly strong bite for it's size. A Tazmanian devil can eat up to 40% of it's own weight in 30 minutes.SEE ALSO: Tanner E.

Need A Towel??

Bath time at the Erickson's is like going to an indoor water park except at a much, much smaller scale. After a soap scrub down Tanner is allowed to play with the "big cup". A bath without the "big cup" is like eating a meal without flavor or like taking a walk in the dark. Bathing is joyless unless a mess can be made. No big cup means No big splash. So I drape the entire bathroom with towels and let the boy have a little "pool time".

                                                video below:

The Sound Of Joy

 One of Tanner's classic characteristics is that he is considered "non-verbal". I find that word to be hilariously ironic since he has the loudest and most expressive "voice" I've ever heard! As many of you well know, Tanner is very verbal but cannot speak. He has different sounds depending on his moods. My favorite vocalization from him is a sound he makes when he is content and happy. The sound itself is discordant enough to drive a bystander insane, I mean literally INSANE! But since I associate this particular pitch with a boy who is comfortable and at ease I have grown to welcome it. I use his "ahhhhhhhhhh"..breath..."ahhhhhhhh"... breath...."ahhhhhhh" to gauge his whereabouts. When the sound stops then I know he is bored and on the move. Boredom is bad, "ahhhhhh" is good.

The Doom Of His Room

I remember fixing up Tanner's room not so long ago. I wanted it to be less like a junkyard and more like a bedroom. His mattress and box spring had been flattened into a misshapen mass due to the laws of gravity, ie. a 120 lb body jumping up will come down with the force of a pile driver. The sheet rock walls had been wounded so many times that they were rippling with patches. So in a hopeful state of mind I resolved to make Tanner's room "cute". The new headboard I got for him quickly became checkered with dents and divets. The ruination continued as his new TV stand was defaced with scratches and it's drawers flung about following Tanner's ritualized destruction pattern. Next came the demise of the new mattress set which slowly became an unrecognizable lump. One night I looked in on Tanner and noticed that his bed was more concave than ever. Perplexed, I removed the entire mattress and saw that he had completely splintered the bottom of his new bed.

 So now the only furniture in Tanner's room is an indestructible metal folding chair, and a cheap TV. Not so cute now!

A Church Parking Lot On Every Corner

Church parking lots not only provide acres and acres of parking spaces for minivans and suburbans on Sunday mornings but they also are an ideal place to take a 14 yr old driving when church is over. There is nothing but open asphalt and yellow lines, a wasteland of safety.

video below

Our Home Gym

Tanner has invented a new way to keep fit while at home. His routine is a little unusual but has proven to be very effective for him. He has lost two of his four belly rolls this summer and is looking like a contender. His cardio routine involves constant "back & forth" motion, slapping the wall or counter top in between reps. He also manages to fit in a few vertical jumps for muscle conditioning. Then for his abdomen work-out he has found "the couch" method very dynamic (if not destructive). To enhance his regimen he listens to the "Angry Birds" soundtrack which is very motivating (if not maniacal).

                                                         SEE VIDEO BELOW

My First Time

I have done a lot in my lifetime, a lot of unusual things as well as a lot of common things. It is getting to the point, however, where 99% of the things I do are not new experiences. The comfort of routine is a peaceful and safe part of my life. But today I had to change things up because the garbage can was already too full. My big, green waste, curb-side container was overflowing with pruned bushes and dead weeds, which meant I couldn't do my usual woman's work. Soon I got this WILD idea! Maybe, just maybe, I could try to mow the grass! I have never mowed a lawn in my lifetime, I have never started a mower nor pushed a mower. I know that Dave was subjected to mower abuse when he was young so I figured that mowing the lawn was a colossal, torturous feat requiring great strength and patience. So with fortitude I approached that manly grass eating machine, pulled the handle that said "PULL" (twice) and then was wildly surprised that it roared to life. I pushed the beast onto the turf, accidentally grabbed onto a mechanism under the mower's handlebar and then the thing started mowing on it's own. I guided the trimming apparatus with little effort and yet the result was a neatly lined lawn. What I once thought was a daunting task was really just like a back and forth walk with a noisy friend.

Next I will tackled that weed-wacking thingamajig.

My Condition

Every couple of years I get out the sewing machine and sew something. I usually have to thread the thing by using the well worn manual. This year I was having some difficulties. It wasn't that I couldn't follow the "how to" page, the problem was that I couldn't thread the needle. First off I couldn't find the eye of the needle, secondly I couldn't see the end of the thread. I found myself trying to look closer and at the same time trying in vain to focus my eyes. Suddenly, horrifically I realized that I have THE CONDITION!!!
I am now in a twelve step program for my condition

1--I admit that I have presbyopia
2--I am powerless over my presbyopia
3--I will purchase a pair of fashionable bifocals that I will wear when needed
4--I will not be ashamed of my condition
5--I will learn to live with my condition
6--I will wear my bifocals around my neck on a beaded leash when the time comes
7--I will help my sisters come to terms with this condition when it is their turn

IMPOSSIBLE!

 

I Could Live There

HOSENFELD FAMILY TRIP 2013

We did it again. We went to the best town in California, rented the same beach house as last year and had a great time. San Clemente is SO California to me. It's buildings have the Mexican red tile roofs, dudes walk around town wearing a wet suit and carrying a surf board. The beach is alive with surfers and body boarders and sand toys and beach chairs. There is even a burger shack.

We rented a house literally 100 yards from the surf. The view is killer and it suits a family of 20 pretty well (as long as the kids sleep on the floor). The big front windows look out onto the beautiful blue pacific with palm trees in the foreground. When we arrived at the house this time we were alarmed to see a FOR SALE sign!
We can't let this place go! So we all pooled our money and came up with around $20,000. The problem is that the house is listed for $2.5 million. I guess we'll just have to wait for a winning lottery ticket.


 
Our favorite $2.5 million beach bungalow

The view from our back porch

 Across the street and down the stairs

A particularly glorious sunset viewed from San Clemente Pier

The Big Clean

 

Every June since the beginning of time the Hosenfeld siblings gather together in Park City where our lives began. We all return to the place where we learned how to work hard. We harken back to the Ski Lodge where we grew up. Since we spent our childhood days at the Chateau we vacuumed a lot of floors, did a lot of dishes and made a lot of beds. Just because we all became adults and moved away doesn't mean that we have abandoned the pleasure of keeping up a hotel. In June we turn the place upside down and do a deep clean. We divide up the work and get it done in a weekend. When our job is done we have a fresh and tidy hotel ready for the next group of tourists. Then we eat burritos.

  Alisa and Suzanne's Job:  Make 55 beds...perfectly

Chandler's Job: Linen Distribution

 Dad's Job: Chief Pillow Inspector, Toilet Bowl Cleaner and General Quality Assurance
 

 Hailey and Morgan's Job: Trash, Cups, Soaps

 Jason and Jared's Job: Vacuum and Move Furniture

 Jen's Job: Official Duster and Wall Washer

Wendy's Job: Clean 40 Windows Inside and Out

**not pictured: Mom's Job: General Laundry and Day Care