"First-World" Problems

First I noticed that everything in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator was icy. The baby carrots stuck together in a clump. I ignored it. Later, I found that the potatoes and onions in the middle drawer were too solid. I let them be. In the weeks that followed, the freezing problem worked its way to the top of the fridge. When the milk froze into an arctic chunk I realized that there might be a problem. In the meantime I've been keeping most stuff in the garage refrigerator.
So when Tanner opens the fridge door he is very disappointed to find only condiments, eggs and a half empty jar of pickles. The other day he brought me an egg. It was frozen solid.

A Weekend Without Tanner

It was Saturday.  It was 2:00 in the afternoon. Tanner was gone so there was nothing to do. Usually when Tanner is home it's like running a day care for thirty kids.  Everything involves a  disaster cleanup.  I'm constantly locking and unlocking doors, turning on and off TV's, changing batteries and hiding toys that drive me crazy. But this weekend Hailey and I were unmotivated to do anything at all. It was scary quiet. We decided to just relax in bed and watch M*A*S*H all day long. It was weird being so lazy but it sure was fun hanging with the teen.

To the Top

It was the first warm weekend in months. We had been smothering in the valley haze for too long. During the chill of the winter season Hailey shut herself in her bedroom, surrounded by blankets and darkness. There she watched NETFLIX and did homework and only came out for dinner, still wrapped in a heavy robe and fuzzy socks. It was time to emerge from the cocoon and fly.

The best place to fly is Angel's Landing in Zion National Park. Even if it killed us we were going to trudge up the steep, winding path. The view itself was worth any amount of sweat and tears: even the risk of death! The safe portion of the trail offered magnificent vantage points. It was Hailey's first time looking down into the canyon. She said it was beautiful: I haven't heard her say that word for months.

When we reached the dangerous portion, the part where either one of us could fall to our death, we ate possibly our last meal. Hailey bit into a large, round, crispy fruit called an apple. I haven't seen her eat fresh fruit in months. Next we grasped the chain of life and carefully scaled the well-worn but treacherous path to the top of the world.

Hailey said the top of the world was awesome! We peered over the sheer cliffs on both sides of us. It felt like we were on a landing pad in the sky. After sitting in the sun and enjoying the serenity of it all, we grasped the chain and made our way down, carefully avoiding the small patches of ice still remaining in the shade.

Caught Red-Footed

There was a light dusting of snow outside. It was sunny but bitter cold.  As I did my chores, Tanner sat comfortably on his bed listening to his vacuum purr it's hypnotizing white noise. So while I was scrubbing the bathtub he slipped quietly away. And when I went to check on him the vacuum was still droning but Tanner was not. Then I felt the frosty air creep along the floor...my first clue. The front door was wide open. I knew that the  inmate had escaped. But he left a trail.
Outside in the light dusting of snow was a distinct trail of footprints. I could tell these were Tanner's footprints because 1-they were barefoot prints and 2- they had an abnormally large big toe. The prints led me down the driveway and along the sidewalk to the left. I tracked him quickly, using my amazing skills, and caught up to the escapee just as he barged into the neighbors house. When I caught him he laughed at me! Once in custody I made him walk all the way back home in the cold snow, still barefooted.

A Little Surprise From Iceland

Last August Hailey and I drove around Iceland. We got ourselves a manual transmission type car. As you know, these weird vehicles are almost obsolete. Who would want to buy a car where you have 3 foot pedals and a knobby stick that you have to move around at the exact moment of pushing on one of the foot pedals....inconceivable! Anyhow, luckily I had learned how to drive a stick shift in my youth. But it's been decades. So when we pulled out of the rental car parking lot I made a small fool of myself first by killing the engine and then accidentally peeling out in the gravel like a madman.

Soon we were out on the two lane, nicely paved road that circles the entire country. Usually there was so much to see and so many places to stop. Occasionally there was a long expanse of nothing. And at these times I would put the pedal to the metal, you know, open up the throttle. I sometimes traveled faster than 90km (60mph), no big deal! The roads were great! and flat, and uncrowded. I needed to cover some ground. Along the road we noticed some signs in Icelandic (super long word with crazy cartoon letters) and then a picture of something that looked like a rectangle with two circles in it. Mmmm, that was weird, I said to Hailey. And on we drove.

After nine days of seeing incredible things and having a wonderful time Hailey and I returned home to Utah. Three months later I received a letter from Iceland. I thought it was going to be a thank you letter from their public relations people or a survey to see how much I loved their country. Cheerfully I opened the letter. The heading was suspicious, NOTIFICATION OF FINE. And there was a phony looking stamp on the bottom.

Oh and they wanted me to put money in their "bank account"....
AND THEN I TURNED THE PAGE!



Hey, That's ME! I'll be darned if I didn't get a photo speeding ticket!

If I Had Half a Brain!

Ahhhh...Life uninhibited! I'm sure many people wish to live this next year free of insecurity, free of judgement and free of expectations. I think the only way for us to do that is to kill half of our brain. Mostly I think of how nice it must be for Tanner. His brain has empty parts. His brain has parts that are scarred  and underdeveloped. Yet he loves life. He can do anything he wants to do without regret. His enjoyments are so simple and require no ambition nor permission. He is truly a free human being! Can you imagine the pure pleasure of picking your nose....I can't either. It looks relaxing?


So let's say you just don't feel like wearing clothes for the rest of the day...... This is Tanner's attempt at undressing himself after I put him in his room for a "time out".  His underwear is stuck on his foot but no big deal!

And sometimes a person needs some alone time to relax and feel content. And the hum of a vacuum and the feel of the motor's heat is heavenly.

If I had half a brain I would quit paying attention to the pressures of life and listen to the white noise of radio static and the back ground monotony of CSPAN and the hum of the clothes dryer and the faint drone of classical music and the undertone of Mary Poppins intro music and the buzz of a Nintendo game... all at the same time! This is what Tanner does. Every second of every day he needs background noise to drown out the silence.
Since I have a whole brain I go quite crazy

Serious Plans

Hailey has been making a lot of important decisions lately. She is making choices that I didn't make until I was out of high school. Words like "concurrent education" and "college credit" and "accelerated program" never even entered my mind when I was sixteen. In fact, getting an associates degree while enrolled in high school was unheard of in my day. Already Hailey has decided on a career, enrolled at Weber State, and is planning on EMT and CNA certifications so she can work while waiting to get accepted to a Radiology Program.

All the while Hailey is still having fun. She gets to drive the 2003 BMW to school and therefore has total freedom to be wherever she wants. When I'm curious, which is often, I locate her phone on google maps and she is always where she is supposed to be. Wow.

The very best news is that she doesn't have a boyfriend!  But she still goes to dances with her buddies and hangs out and plays co-ed soccer year round. I couldn't be happier. 

Still, the most valuable thing I could ask for is that she is reliable and conscientious and I never have to worry about her. She helps me with Tanner and I know that he is safe in her care.