Come Back

I am in mourning. My delightful, creative and friendly daughter has been taken over by a surly teenage alien. I look at this alien being and try to glimpse the little girl who loved to laugh and share her thoughts. As I try to communicate with it I feel like we don't even speak the same language. It seems distracted by electronic devices. It acts as if it has no time to talk. It stays in it's room for long periods of time. All I want is my goofy daughter back. Other parents who have also hosted teenage aliens tell me that it takes a couple of years before they recognize their charming children again. All I know is that I miss her.

The Birthday Dilemma

Celebrating Tanner's birthday always puts me in a predicament. I agree that "the more the merrier" makes for a fun party. I love to get the whole family together for birthday celebrations and holidays. I love the noise and the chaos and the laughter. Except, Tanner goes bonkers when he has to share his house with others. The solution has always been, and continues to be, a pre-emptive sedation cocktail administered to Tanner in preparation for the ensuing "intrusion". I give him a soothing mixture of mild tranquilizers so that he doesn't have a nuclear melt down during the festivities. A dilemma arises however when the boy is too sleepy to participate in his own birthday party. Of course we all agree that Tanner is easier to handle when he is asleep but it would be nice if he could acknowledge the birthday cake and gifts which are are arranged around him ready to be opened and enjoyed. Luckily we all have a good laugh at the fact that he sleeps through his special day every year.

This year, in addition to the family hullabaloo, we tried a very quiet and private "Tanner Only" birthday event where he could sit on his exclusive couch and watch his own show just the way he wanted it. So, while fully awake and barely able to pull his eyes from the TV screen, he opened a gift and stuck his finger in his own private birthday donut. After all, Tanner doesn't even know the significance of celebrating one more year. But that doesn't mean that I can't celebrate it for him by having a party
on his behalf.

Bloody Sunday

     Well, he did it this time! Tanner managed to get himself taken to the hospital. What started out to be a typical conniption fit turned into something a little more grisly. As is customary, Tanner was dragged into his room as punishment after he pitched his sister's i-pod for no good reason. Then he started head banging, which is also typical. I went about my women's work and waited out the storm. After the book throwing and head thumping stopped I checked in on him. What I saw was a kid sitting on the carpet passively turning pages of a picture book. But I did a double take because the kid was all bloody. He looked up at me, pointed to his head and then to the blood splattered on the wall. For the most part scalp wounds look worse than they really are because of the vasculature of the tissue, ie. the head bleeds like the dickens, so I didn't panic. What I saw however, was a pretty sizable laceration which I couldn't fix by ignoring it. So I got him into the tub and cleaned him up. By this time Tanner was feeling playful and just wanted to splash around as if nothing had happened to his head. I cut bath time short by telling him we were going to go for a ride in the car. Yipppee!
     Once at the emergency room Tanner was in his own private heaven because he got to watch TV while laying down on a bed (which is totally cool!). For almost three hours we flipped through channels, turned on the oxygen, turned off the lights, pushed every button in the room. It was super fun! Different people came in and out but didn't do anything to him so he thought he was King for a day. Finally at the three hour mark a bunch of people came in, wrapped him up like a burrito, held him down and put six staples in his head. It took less than five minutes. I was seriously considering swiping a staple gun so that I could do it myself the next time.
     Tanner laughed all the way home. And I again seriously fantacized about obtaining a staple gun and some iodine and some staple removers and some numbing medicine and......

just a flesh wound!

cool hospital bed




two lacerations and six staples